Schizophrenia

Once Upon A Dream

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 08:10:59 GMT

Once upon a dream, I was there with you.

Instinctively tightening my grip as I felt it slip through my fingers,
I was holding on when I should've let go.

Even today, you walk in and out of my life just as easily as you did then,
but I don't blame you, but myself, for letting you.

But just as every situation has its turning point,
mine came one day when I realised the numbness, the nothingness;
my heart had hardened to the point that it no longer cared,
because it couldn't any more.

There is only so much that a person can take;
so much that you can say to salvage the situation.

I know that if you could, you would.
But you can't... so you won't, and don't.

And after a while, talk becomes cheap.

Will you ever come to realise that I knew all along?
Will you ever find out; will I tell you?

What am I to you, exactly?
And more importantly, what are you to me?

How sorry are you?
If I have to ask, it can't be much.

Tell me, how do you define 'everything'?

In my mind, we are back in that moment when it was perfect.
Before feelings got in the way,
before I messed up and let you have your way,
before I let myself fall.

But you were a dream,
and I was the dreamer.

And I made the mistake of mixing it up with reality.

And yet, while it lasted,
I never wanted to wake up.
I would've slept forever,
even if it meant dying to reality.

I will tell you someday.
At least, I want to.
If only to say, "once upon a time",
and dream for one last time.

I Know

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:12:58 GMT

I know you too well.

I saw it coming,
and it doesn't surprise me,
but it still takes me by slight surprise at how I'm upset over it, nevertheless.

It's weird;
you didn't do what you promised you would,
but I'm more affected at the fact that you did what you didn't promise you wouldn't.

Why is that?

I know;
I know that because I was first,
some sentiments still remain.

But if I'm not first,
then I'm only second fiddle.

This relationship goes two-way,
not one...
or three.

But I know;
I know that if you're happy, then I will be happy for you.
Even if that happiness doesn't have me in it.

Can happiness exist for you without me in it?
Selfishly, I hope that it can't,
because then it will mean that you will need me just as much as I need you.

You don't have to let the world know;
just me.

Let's go back to when it was just us...
to that perfect spring day.

But I know;
I know that seasons change,
and seasons past will always be slightly different from seasons to come.

Let's See You Try

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:12:57 GMT

I know there is freedom,
yet there should be constraints.

I know there is ignorance,
but there should be common sense.

And I know there are good intentions,
but there are distortions where the truth is only half-known.

Just because I know you,
doesn't give you the right to know me.

And if I wanted you to know,
I'd tell you.

Can no one keep a secret,
or am I the only one who can?

There will always be double standards,
and where they do not benefit me,
I'm glad you are disadvantaged too.

Just because you think I don't know,
doesn't mean that I really don't.

And just because I choose not to blow your cover,
don't think that you have the upper hand.

I have my ways,
and revenge is a stronger drive than love ever was.

The ultimate influence lies with me,
whether you believe it or not.

I dare you to verify the validity of that statement.

Fact of Life

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 09:12:54 GMT

You and I both know that sometimes, some things don't change, and old habits die hard.
And you know, I'm cool with that.
You don't have to force yourself, and I don't have to live in denial,
and we can both get on with our lives and move beyond the past that holds us down.

It isn't shameful, and it's not a weakness,
but just a fact of life that you and I can't change.
So why fight it?

I found my answer just the same as you found yours, albeit in different ways and at different times,
and even though forgiveness is just a word, it isn't nothing either.

What right have you to judge me;
what right have I to condemn you?
What right have you or I over each other?

For though many things were said,
so much more were left unsaid;
still they constitute no promise,
and neither of us can be bound by sweet nothings.

So what if you gave me that bit of happiness,
and so what if I gave you that smile to cling to?
Do they still matter now, here, after all that has happened?

We're even now, no matter what you choose to think,
and I don't owe you any more than has already been given to you.

One Year Ago

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 04:12:53 GMT

When I look back at how it was, I'm taken by surprise at how much one year can accomplish.

One year ago, we were strangers.
And I remember wondering if this friendship would come full circle.

From initial insecurity and awkward politeness,
to timid jokes and exploration outings,
to open laughter and exposures of true selves that only time and familiarity can breed.

It hasn't been smooth always, this process of learning from each other,
and there have been times when worry, anxiety and paranoia have gotten the best of me,
but if those were things we had to go through before we could reach where we are today, then I'd gladly go through them all again.

Who would've thought that I'd rely on you today to retain my sanity when I'm on the verge of losing it,
and you give me the confidence and comfort I need to just breathe?

Who would've thought that you'd need me quite as much as I need you?

It's a delicious thought to know that even here, in such a short time, in such a roundabout way, we've reached this far.
And it's familiar, nostalgic;
fresh and new all the same.

I continue to learn, and I am amazed at times.
And I am happy.
Very completely so.

All Along

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:47:13 GMT

I guess I really don't know you at all.

Once upon a time, I vaguely remember seeing this part of you, even if for a brief moment. Every time you hide behind your smile and laughter... what were you really thinking?

And... how many times have I been the cause of your pain?

Somehow, it's clear to me how much I owe you, which I may not be able to repay in this lifetime. The many times I have been comforted by you, and watched over by you... did you think I never noticed it?

Even if I may not be able to be all that you want me to be, I will always be here. I will be here in times when you just need someone to listen. I may not be good at comforting people, and the words get stuck in my throat when I want to say something to make it all right... but what I can do, and will do, is listen... wishing for your best, with a heart more sincere than any others.

Someday you will realise that you really deserve better. And though the time that has been lost can never be regained, I hope that it will still be a precious memory. Despite all the pain and uncertainty, you still came out of it all, a little stronger, a little surer... right?

Reverie

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 03:01:15 GMT

Even though I thought I'd never talk of you again, I still did.

And as always, I had that smile on my face as I remembered you and tried to describe you in mere words.

I think that maybe it's true that sometimes, some things just don't change. =)

I have a feeling that I will always smile when I talk of you, and I will always enjoy myself tremendously when I tell others of you. I always have, you know. For some reason I can hardly comprehend, I just love telling others everything I know about you, however limited it may be.

And even though I know I will never be able to think of you the same again, simply because I know better now, I still believe that you were a blessing more than a memory I'd like to erase. Through all the ups and downs, through silly schemes, elation, disappointment, humility and pride, I hold all of them dear to me, because they were experiences that revolved around you.

You taught me so much.

And despite everything, you are still the one whom I will honestly, sincerely and openly tell others, was "a person who had it all". At least, to me you did. Despite everything, you are still the role model that I strive to be more like, and the source of encouragement to me as I try to balance the two extremes.

Despite everything, I know that those were precious days and times.

And it's precisely because I think so, that I know that I should minimise the times when I think of you and speak of you. It's a danger of falling back into a past that no longer exists.

It doesn't make speaking of you less enjoyable. It just makes the reflection that follows a little more vivid, a little more wistful, bitter-sweet; a little less raw.

There are still times when I think of you; times when I miss you and all you stood for, times when I wish that you were within reach like you used to be.

In my heart I believe that I have not forgotten for a moment, and a part of me thinks that I never will.

It's not that things have not changed - because they have. What hasn't changed is the past, and my memory of it.

But I move on, as we all do, as I'm sure you're doing now. I will not live in the past, however sweet it was.

I move on.

In The End It'll All Be Worth It

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:47:12 GMT

The irony of this hits me,
and I would've smiled at the twistedness of it all,
if only it didn't make me break down instead.

When the world is within reach,
and you push yourself all the more,
saying, "Just a little further... almost there...",
straining your hands and breaking your neck,
and still the world is out of reach.

Why am I pressuring myself so much?
Why aren't I pressuring myself enough?

Just what the hell am I doing?

It's not a question of whether I am or not;
but the fact is that I can,
and so I will be.

Whatever the means.

So I push myself just a little further,
And tell myself that I'm almost there.

Break is not an option.
Not now.

I didn't rise to fall.
The tears shed those nights will not be wasted for nothing.
I didn't cause the ones I love to worry, so that they will continue to.
And I didn't sacrifice so much in the past, just so I can sacrifice my future.

So for as long as I can push myself,
I will.

Because I wasn't born to just exist,
but to be so much more.

And someday,
all of this will be worth it.

Someday, it will be.

The Heart's Core

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:47:09 GMT

To be fair, I have to warn readers that if you are sensitive about religion, or just plain don't like reading about it, please don't read any further. Also, I am not trying to convert anyone or trying to force my ideas and beliefs on you. Should you choose to continue reading, it's by your own free will and I will not be held responsible.

Truth be told, I have no idea if whatever I've written is correct or if I've twisted the right into the wrong. But either way, I acknowledge that most of the things written below is based on my thoughts, and admittedly, I don't know much.

So, after all that, here's the entry.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like He was born for the sole purpose of dying.

As the thought struck me, I pondered over the fact that we - I - tend to forget that the Bible is not just a ~~very long~~ story book, and Jesus is not a mere character of fiction. Though not everyone may see eye to eye with me on that sentence, it's all right. But bear with my rantings anyway, will you? =)

I've realised that just because there weren't any flowery sentences that described in detail how Jesus must've felt during certain circumstances, it's been easy to forget that He was a man capable of feeling too, like you and me. Through all the persecution and miracles, calm and calamity, what did He feel?

I don't think we'll ever be able to fully understand His emotions during His walk on Earth. Yet, I have the strangest feeling that whatever we've been through, are going through, or will go through, He'll be able to understand, simply because He's been there, once upon a very long time ago.

The difference is, I guess, that we sometimes run away with our emotions and let our emotions take control, when He didn't.

Despite knowing that He would be tortured and ridiculed, beaten until His body would be drenched in His own blood, made to carry a cross on His back for miles and miles on end, and have nails mercilessly driven through His hands and feet, dying for the sins of the very same people who spat on Him, when He himself was sinless... He still endured nonetheless. Even His last few words were a prayer for forgiveness for the people, because they did not know what they were doing.

And I wonder, why...?
Why would He die for those who despised Him?

Automatically, the answer that came to mind was, "Because He loved us that much."
It's such a Sunday school answer that I usually don't stop to think twice about it.

But I'm asking you now.
Think about it.

Do you really understand the extent of "that much"...?
Do you really know all the things that He went through for us, all the while knowing that the greatest sacrifice was yet to come?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wonder if Jesus ever felt like He was born for the sole purpose of dying.

But...

Even if He felt that way, I'm sure He must've felt that we're worth it.

Unwritten Rule

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 13:22:03 GMT

Some things don't need to be said, because they should be understood, like unwritten rules that everyone should know and live by without being told.

They don't need to be explicitly and painfully explained in detail, nor need they be drawn out for you to connect the dots.

You have brains.

Use it.

Because if you don't know the answer, I sure as hell won't be the one to tell you.